Homer Simpson.
George Bluth, Sr.
Michael Corleone.
Darth Vader.
Pop culture is full of examples of dads who, let’s just say, could use a bit of help in the fatherhood department. While it’s easy to laugh at their doh!-level missteps, too many kids could testify that the reality of an unavailable father is no joke.
Being an involved, present father is essential for kids’ well-being and development: “positive father engagement is associated with … higher ratings of self-control and better stress tolerance.” Though far from easy, especially in light of multiple obligations, creating a strong emotional connection with kids is a vital responsibility for a lasting legacy.
Try these six strategies to avoid becoming an unavailable father.
1. Understand the impact of being an unavailable father.
Fatherhood is a dynamic and deeply personal journey with significant responsibility.
Emotional availability involves the capacity to connect with your children on a heart level, providing an environment of trust and openness for them to express their feelings and thoughts. When we are open and accepting toward our kids, recognizing and respecting their unique personalities, interests and perspectives, we allow them to be themselves. And we build a strong bond, fostering communication, security and resilience.
Being an unavailable father isn’t always about outright neglect. It isn’t just about not provoking your children to anger (Ephesians 6:4).
Recognizing your emotional inaccessibility is your first step toward making positive change. The awareness created by self-reflection, prayer and mentoring can help us become more present and engaged in our children’s lives, earning the right to be invited into their lives.
2. Build stronger connections with your children.
Fathers have a crucial opportunity to foster their children’s emotional well-being and overall development through strong, lifelong connections.
Create a safe space for communication. Listen without immediately trying to solve a problem. Be patient and understanding when your child shares about excluding the weird new kid in class or hogging the basketball during recess. “Be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger” (James 1:19).
Prioritize quality time. Whether playing catch in the backyard, firing up your favorite video games or reading bedtime stories together, shared experiences create cherished memories and reinforce your bond.
Hang up and hang out. It’s easy to get caught up in the pace of work or screens, that leaky faucet or tilting stack of mail — and they don’t go away when you toss your keys on the dining table.
Consistent presence and full engagement are the clearest demonstrations of your love and commitment.
3. Develop your own emotional intelligence.
“Emotional intelligence” might sound trendy. But it forms a lifelong foundation for kids to understand and manage feelings, modeling healthy expression, and inviting the expression of their emotions.
This kind of emotional awareness takes work and self-reflection, requiring identification of (and taking responsibility for) our own destructive emotional patterns.
Too often, dads who feel angry, ashamed, or afraid choose to yell, shame or belittle their kids. When we react like this, we’re not exploring the true reasons for those feelings nor responsibly resolving them without harm.
Instead, acknowledging our own emotions and their impact helps us self-regulate and avoid transferring unresolved issues to our kids.
4. Break generational patterns of unavailability.
What are the best memories and experiences you had with your own father figure? What did they do right?
Reflecting on the influence of our father figures can be a powerful starting point toward becoming available fathers.
While daunting, understanding your past, including difficult childhood experiences and traumas, is crucial to breaking free from unhealthy patterns. It’s your ticket to building the fulfilling relationships your kids deserve.
Not only that, but seeking support and guidance from pastors, counselors, therapists or mentors can provide a neutral perspective and help us see truth we might miss: “As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another” (Proverbs 27:17).
With courage, a commitment to change, powerful examples from mentors and help from the Holy Spirit, we can become the available fathers we aspire to be.
5. Balance work and family life.
Work demands can pull us away from where we want to be — with our families at the dinner table, reading a bedtime story, taking that well-deserved, unplanned three-day vacation. Prioritization isn’t just about providing financially, but emotionally and spiritually, too, through presence and time.
Set boundaries and priorities. Birthdays, holidays and family vacations can and should assume precedence over work whenever possible. Firmly communicate and protect these boundaries with your employer and colleagues.
Amidst work demands, protect regular time for family. Despite the best intentions, work can encroach on family time. So, create lasting, connecting memories by intentionally scheduling regular activities or outings.
Find work-life integration strategies. Rather than thinking of work and family life as separate entities, aim for integration. Consider flexible working arrangements that allow you to show up for important family events.
6. Seek help and support as a father.
Parenting can be overwhelming and challenging, and it’s essential to address our stress or emotional burdens just as we prioritize physical health. Engaging in self-care like exercise, hobbies or meditating on Scripture can help you recharge and maintain the healthy mindset you need when your toddler surprises you with make-up caked on their face.
Connecting with other dads with similar experiences and values in your church or neighborhood allows you to share struggles, gain perspective and develop a vital support system.
Professional guidance from a therapist, counselor, or pastor may also be necessary for personalized strategies with complex emotions, stress and obstacles.
Being a dad is about being present, not perfect. Even nuclear-accident-waiting-to-
Sam Hoover is a Colorado dad of three amazing kids who is working to ditch emotional unavailability one awkward conversation at a time. Sam is a FamilyLife content contributor.
