My Fellow White Jews: This is Not Our Shiva

My mother taught me that a shiva is not a party. We are not there for the food. We are not there to catch up with our friends. We are there for a specific purpose: to comfort the mourners. To tend to the needs the grieving cannot do for themselves. To be a presence and a support so that we all know, in the tenderest moments of loss, that we are not alone. A shiva isn't easy and it takes time, observation, example-setting and correction before one really knows how to behave appropriately. The needs of the mourners are always at the center of our concern, and we bend our own needs and desires around them. It might be appropriate to eat, or to catch up with friends, but there's a time and a place and a way to do it that honors the purpose of the gathering.