Sexual Orientation Is Not an Identity

My childhood was decidedly not gay. To the naked eye, it probably looked great and happy and carefree and normal. But it was none of those things. It was confusing and scary. The word that most clearly defines my childhood emotions is "fear."

I never thought much about my "orientation" at all. As a young boy, I thought more about how different and isolated I felt from the other boys. As I grew older and my feelings of being different became sexual, I thought more about how lonely and how dirty I felt -- wondering if I was abominable to God. I worried about my feelings but I never claimed any specific sexual orientation and I ran from any identity based on my gay feelings. But, admittedly, my feelings grew and grew, and the more I read and observed, the more I craved an "identity" that would validate and support my feelings. Eventually I took the step of saying "I am gay" and I began to live a life centered on my sexual and romantic feelings for other men.