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There are few things Jim Burns enjoys more than kissing his wife, Cathy. Especially in front of their kids.
When his kids were younger, their typical response: "Yuck!"
"But," says Jim, "our youngest would say 'yuck' with a smile, because she saw me affirming her mother. We need to kiss in front of our kids."
Having worked with teenagers and their parents for more than three decades, Jim has seen the effect marriages have on children. He knows what works and what doesn't. So he has plenty of ideas about what kinds of marriages produce young people who develop into healthy adults with their spiritual lives intact.
You've met a lot of kids over the years. Think of the kids who turned out well. What are the characteristics of their parents' marriages?
One is that the parents continue to court each other. It's great for kids to see Mom and Dad putting their relationship first. Most of the time the opposite happens: Parents make their kids such a priority that they don't have any time left for each other.
Part of courting is affirming each other. Even if it's just, "Thanks for a great meal!" Or, to a kid, "You know, I think your mom is the most beautiful woman in the world." One time I told the girls, "Okay, you guys do the dishes. Mom and I are going to sit on the couch." I put my arm around Cathy and we had a great talk.
I try to show Cathy love and respect. The byproduct is that my kids see their parents "date." Seeing their parents give each other time, affection, and respect make kids feel secure.
Where does the oft-recommended "date night" fit in?
Cathy and I are obsessive when it comes to keeping that commitment once a week. There was a time, even before we had our girls, when Cathy had to tell me, "I resent the fact that you give your best time to the church."
We came up with three solutions: We'd have a regular date night; Cathy would have veto power over my schedule; and I'd try to be out only three nights a week doing youth work. Part of the reason our marriage is strong today is because we've been faithful to have a date night.
So good parents keep on dating each other. What else makes for healthy kids?
It seems obvious, but just do things with them! Pray together, play together, take vacations together. They don't have to be big-deal outings like a trip to Disneyland or a night at the movies. Our best communication times happen when we're out cruising on our bikes or walking on the beach.
Why is family togetherness so hard to pull off?
One of the biggest problems in marriages today is overcommitment. We live our lives at a breathless pace, and that hurts kids like crazy—more than parents realize. It's that old story where the dad says, "I work two jobs because I love my kids so much." Meanwhile, the kids are out doing drugs because they have no relationship with their dad.
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Originally published in: Marriage Partnership, 1996, Winter
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Catherine G
A WISE AND INFORMATIVE ARTICLE.I WISH ALL PASTORS COULD HAVE ACCESS TO THIS AND TEACH THEIR CONGREGATIONS.IF THIS KNOWLEDGE IS APPLIED WE WOULD HAVE WONDERFUL MARRIAGES AND FAMILIES IN CHURCHES,THAT MINISTER TO THE WORLD.
DORCAS MUNJONJE
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