So writes Mary Beth Chapman, who relives in heart-shattering detail the death of her 5-year-old daughter, Maria, in her new book, Choosing to SEE: A Journey of Struggle and Hope (Revell). In the chapter titled "May 21, 2008," Chapman — the wife of Christian music star Steven Curtis Chapman — remembers sitting at the dining room table, working on wedding plans for their oldest child, Emily.
She goes on to recount the horrible events of that afternoon: son Will pulling into the driveway, accidentally running over his little sister, the chaos, the panic, the blood, the 911 call, the emergency personnel, the hospital, the brutal news that Maria had passed away, the screams of "No! No! No!" giving way to Mary Beth telling her husband, "We have to let her go, sweetie. It's time to let her go."
That kind of gut-wrenching honesty and vulnerability runs throughout the book as Mary Beth, married to Steven for 26 years, shares the story not only of Maria's death and the family's subsequent grieving, but also of her own continuing feud with the Creator — a difficult childhood and teen years, adulthood battles with depression, and more.
Maria was the third of the Chapmans' three adopted girls from China; Shaohannah Hope (10) and Stevey Joy (7) are the others. Their biological kids are Emily (24), Caleb (20), and Will Franklin (19). Mary Beth is also the president of Show Hope, a nonprofit organization that cares for orphans worldwide by providing financial assistance to families wishing to adopt. Last summer, Show Hope opened Maria's Big House of Hope in China, a facility for orphans with special needs.
Christianity Today caught up with Mary Beth to talk about the book, the grieving process, and what she calls "a lifelong wrestling match with God." She, Steven, and the family will also share their story on a fall tour, "A Night with the Chapmans," beginning this month.
Steven told me he had to write songs as a part of his grieving process. Is this a book that you had to write?
Probably yes. After we lost our daughter, I began blogging, and it became one of those places where I could write like a stream of consciousness, the grief flowing out of me. People started to respond to that, and publishers asked us to consider a book.
At first the working title was Mary Beth vs. God, about my wresting match with God, and really with all of life — the theme of what do you do when things go wrong. This isn't just the story of losing Maria. It's also the story of the redemptive struggle that we all walk through when God doesn't seem to be who we thought he was, or when things don't work out the way we thought they would.
You write openly about your struggles — with depression, your marriage, and so on.
Steven and I have always been on what we call a preventive maintenance program. When we got married, we found out pretty quickly we were quite different. Sometimes it's holy headlock, not holy wedlock. And I write about my depression. When I finished the book, it was like a release. I felt God saying, That's all I needed you to do. You wrote it; it's in black and white now. I took you on a journey that wasn't easy, but I revealed things about my character to you. Now you can just let it go. So it was a really good process for me — really hard, but really good.
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Gaynor Smith
Thanks for the honesty! Psalms is full of grieving hearts crying out to God and He in His infinite goodness does listen, care and respond. Today one of my adopted daughters buried her 7 mth old baby who died in her womb yesterday morning. God is at work even if I can't see it because His character is the same ALL the time. My husband left 11 years ago yet God has faithfully carried me as I've dealt with many terrible issues with all 7 of my adopted children. I have also been through depression and as MB said it keeps you close to God. A thorn in my side. Life is not fair but I cling to the knowledge that God keeps His promises and one day He will make all things well because of His unfathomable love for us.
Lee V
I am so sorry for your loss. Whether it is due to my own childhood family tragedy, my performance-based upbringing or my personality (or just that I am a human being?), I have always wrestled with questions about God that were not OK to ask in church. The churchy answer is always to "trust God". But when your ability or desire to trust is broken, that isn't much of an answer. It felt like that put the onus of my relationship with God on me, which is something too great for me to bear. I am still broken in so many ways. On an emotional level, I sometimes feel abandoned; I feel like He gives too many people more than they can handle. I may wrestle with Him til the day I die. But I will continue to pour out every thought and emotion as honestly as I can at His feet. In many ways, He has transformed my sadness into joy; my fear into trust as I have done that. I long for a church that encourages my honest relationship with God instead of merely teaching how-tos or judging my performance.
Annie Burns
Made me cry...... I have a hard time w/God too. Love him always, "hate" Him sometimes, for the same reasons as msMUSE, He seems so different to me than others I know, others who have told me for 30 yrs what to expect from a loving God, answered prayers, etc. He does answer prayers but often seems so distant and even unloving towards me. My kids are handicapped, I haven't helped them much (tho I've tried desperately) and it seems neither has He, but what do I know actually!
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